Under the Rubble

Mama, where are you? Mama, Mama!

I’m scared. My head hurts. Feels like there’s a heart beating in my head. I can’t hear myself. What is it, Mama? I hear the hum of thousands of bells but not my voice. I’m calling for you, Mama, can you hear me?

Can you hear the mosquitoes? They’re buzzing close by. They’re all over my face, in my ears. It’s like going fishing with Daddy over again. Only now there are so many of them. They’re biting me. I can’t stop them. Please! Someone chase them away! I can’t… I can’t do it myself. I don’t know why but I can’t. I can’t feel my arms.

Am I having a bad dream, Mama? But why can I smell then? There are no smells in dreams. I remember a dream where you just took my favorite bilberry pie out of the oven. It was so beautiful, with braided flowers. But it didn’t smell. And there’s no way your pie didn’t smell. And now there’s this bad smell. It makes me sick. It smells like burning. Like when Daddy worked on his car in the garage. But it’s worse now. Mama, where’s Daddy?

The smell tastes bad in my mouth. Like sand. And I know what sand tastes like. Tolya from 2B threw it at me a couple of times. Now I don’t go to the playground when he’s there. Tolya is so mean. But how did I get sand into my mouth? I want to swallow, but I’m scared. I don’t want to eat the sand.

The mosquitoes won’t go away. What time is it? Is it night? It doesn’t look dark. I remember I went to sleep in my bed. But I’m not in bed now. I’m not in my bedroom. I see a desert of gray stones around me. But how did I get here? The stones look heavy and sharp. Some of them are hurting me. Mama, where am I? Where are you? Why does my head hurt?

It’s so dusty. My eyes sting. I want to rub them, but I can’t. I don’t want to close them either. The darkness scares me. If I keep my eyes open, I can see the sun coming through a crack. I feel it on my face. The dust is floating in the light. It looks like tiny stars in the sky. I am covered with them and must be shining like a diamond right now. I’d like to look, but I’m scared to see.

My head hurts when I try to move. What is that? Is it my pink bedspread? It’s torn and pale. And there’s a big red stain on it. And next to it… Polina, is that you? You’re covered in this desert dust. And why do your legs look so weird? I want to cuddle you, but I can’t reach you. I’m sorry. Something’s wrong. I feel so hot, and everything hurts.

But wait… I think I know what happened. If I’m right, it’ll be over soon.

Mama said our lives are different now. She told me about the loud sounds. She called them “sirens”. When I first heard them, I got so scared. They howled and howled. They hurt my ears and made me want to cry. Mama told us if we heard the sirens, we had to run to the basement. I couldn’t even bring any toys. Even you, Polina. She was very strict about it. She said, “It’s a matter of life and death.” Her face looked so sad. But she also said everything would be okay. And Mama knows a lot. So maybe I missed a siren? I was asleep and didn’t go to the basement. But why didn’t I hear the siren? Mama and Grandma didn’t come. They didn’t wake me up. What happened to them? Where are they?

It’s so quiet here now. I don’t even hear the mosquitoes. I’m scared. It’s like when Daddy told Mama he was leaving. Why did he have to go? Where was this “war”? But Mama knew. She cried. And then I cried. And then Grandma cried. We all cried, but Daddy left the next day anyway. I haven’t seen him since.

I want to cry now. But my eyes sting. The warm thing on my face is moving. It’s right by my eye. And the smell, it’s getting worse. It’s in my nose. It’s so strong. Please make it stop! It hurts to breathe. I can’t stand it!

Mama … I want to be like you. But I’m tired. I can’t feel my legs anymore. Where are you? Why don’t you come? Is this a bad dream? I just want to wake up now. I want to see you, Daddy, and Grandma again. He’s coming back … isn’t he? You’re not going to leave me here …?

I hear something. It sounds like thunder. And there’s something else. Like the fireworks. Mama! I’m scared! What is it? It’s getting closer. Lots closer. It’s so loud too… it’s so loud! I …

Ma…

And I never heard anything again.